Sally Hansen lies

I did something kind of stupid this evening.

Wait, let me rewind and start from the beginning. After work I went to happy hour at Applebees with a friend (Could that place be any cheaper? Oh my goodness . . . 2 very tall beers and 3 appetizers later, we were out $16--actually only $6 because we had a $10 gift card). The kids are with my parents for the night, so I stopped at Linens & Things because I had a gift card burning a hole in my wallet and thought I would buy a scale (since I'm trying to gain weight and need to start paying attention to these things). After trying many scales ranging from $29 to over $100, I discovered that they all sucked. I JUST went to the doctor and was weighed by their super-fancy scale, and all of the scales at the store said I was 7-10 pounds heavier than what I weighed at the doctor. Since I know I didn't gain 7-10 pounds in a week, the scales must all suck. So, what to buy? I found myself in the random iPod accessory section and selected a lovely iPod dock that is also an alarm clock. I love it.

So, I'm home now and have played with Sasha a bit and hooked up my snazzy new iPod dock and decided to take a relaxing bath in my enormous tub that has not been getting as much use as it should. I put my Therapeutic Bath Minerals in the tub and applied my Fango Seaweed Masque and listened to my iPod, controlling it with a lovely little remote. Ahhh, heaven. Notice I haven't done anything stupid yet.

After my bath I decided to continue pampering myself by waxing my eyebrows. Please note: waxing one's own eyebrows should never be paired with the word "pamper" or any derivation of the verb "to pamper." Damn that facial waxing kit! A couple of months ago a friend told me to go to a particular Albertson's that was going out of business. Apparently, all of the items were 25% - 80% off, so I stocked up on household items that I needed anyway. While I was there I encountered a do-it-yourself facial waxing kit. I'd always wondered if they were good and thought I'd try it out and save the $15 or so I spend to have my eyebrows professionally waxed.

There is a reason people charge you money to do this to you.

First I had to microwave the wax so it was warm and pliable but not too hot. Then there's a little plastic paddle you use to apply the wax. The paddle is cute and all, but it's really not great when you need to be precise. Also, I should add that the instructions told me that if the wax was too hot the paddle would be blue but if the wax was the perfect temperature the words "wax is ready" would appear. Neat, huh? Except that when I took the paddle out of the box, before I even touched the wax, it said "wax is ready." Oh really?

Application. This stuff is ridiculously sticky. I'm trying to apply small amounts and strings of wax are sticking to my cheeks and eyelashes. When I try to remove the wax from the non-waxing places, it sticks to my fingers and no amount of water, soap, or abrasive towel-rubbing is getting rid of the wax. OK, now time to pull the wax from my eyebrow area. Not bad. I'm used to the sting, and it actually feels kind of good to me. But there's a residue. And it's hard to get to some areas without risking wax getting on other parts of my eyebrow that I still actually want. I do the best I can do and then scrub my face to try to remove any excess wax, but there's some still on my actual eyebrow and all of the hairs are bound together, mocking me. All I can do its wait for it to dry and then try to flake it off without yanking out the rest of my eyebrow. Horrible thoughts of eyebrow baldness are seeping into my mind, and I notice lots of little hairs that I was unable to get with the wax (because of precision), so I pull out the tweezers.

I hate tweezers.

I tweeze and tweeze and tweeze until the two eyebrows look decent. Not bad, I guess. The wax is still clumped on my one eyebrow, so I reach for the conditioning/finishing oil that comes in the kit. It's supposed to soothe and soften the skin and hair. Onto a cotton pad it goes, and I apply it to my eye area and OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PAIN? Conditioning oil, my ass! My eyebrows are now bright red and on fire. It doesn't feel like this at the salon. I dab my eye area with a tissue and reach for some facial moisturizer, hoping that will soothe the stinging. Nope, it feels worse. Tears are filling my eyes as I reach for all of these horrible, horrible products and toss them into the garbage can.

Never ever ever again!