What if . . . real life?

OK, so as if coaching real-live football wasn't enough (not to mention pro Fantasy football that is sure to commence at the end of the summer), Michael is now participating in a fantasy-type coaching program online (www.whatifsports.com).

Here's what he's been doing lately:

"Gridiron Dynasty is your chance to work your way to the top of the college football coaching world! You'll first need to find a job and begin recruiting. As if finding the the perfect high school player for your coaching system wasn't difficult enough, you'll have a limited budget and hundreds of other coaches competing with you. After the recruiting period has ended, you'll coach your team through an entire college football season. Preparing for each opponent, dealing with player issues, administration issues (all while watching your team's national ranking) will really have you earning your paycheck! At the end of the regular season, unless you win your conference championship, then it will be up to the selection committee to decide whether your team will be playing in the post-season and have a chance to win a National Championship! After the season, your job continues - graduations, transfers and even players leaving early for the NFL. Plus, based on your success, you may have other schools seeking your coaching services - but only you can decide how best to build your own Gridiron Dynasty!"

Yep! Fake players (they even have photographs) that send you fake e-mails. Michael's in the recruiting phase right now, which they should really call the "butt kissing phase."

They're offering a special promotion, so right now this is all free. One day (soon, I'm sure) people (meaning Michael) will have to PAY to play this game.

I just don't get it.

Maybe I should create a fantasy website called "whatiftheatre.com." You would get to pretend you are the artistic director of a theatre company and you have to pick your season, hire directors and designers, cast actors, hire musicians, etc. Other participants would be other artistic directors at rival companies, and you would compete for ticket sales. There could be fake patrons who send fake e-mails telling you what they thought of your production: "Do a comedy!" or "You should only do serious plays!" Ooh! Ooh! And you could get e-mailed fake resumes from actors and fake audition footage!

Hmmm...Maybe I'm onto something.

Crazy cat lady

I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a “cat person,” but then again, I’m probably not being completely honest with myself if I don’t. When I think of “cat people,” the image that comes to mind is less than appealing. In fact, my very first thought goes back to a story my friend Heather told me when she used to have my job as PR Manager for the theatre. She was carrying press packets on opening night and ran into another employee and that employee’s boyfriend. Apparently, the boyfriend claimed to be a member of the press, and their conversation went something like this:

Heather: Oh really? Where do you work?

Employee’s Boyfriend: Actually, I have my own radio station.

H: Really? What format?

E.B.: It’s an online radio station for cats.

H: Oh . . . What kind of music do cats like?

E.B.: Pretty much anything, except Ozzie Osbourne.

H: Cats don’t like Ozzie Osbourne?

E.B.: No.

She gave him a press packet. I asked her if she ever followed up with the guy to see if he reviewed the show for his audiences and if any of them purchased tickets. That sent us into a fit of giggles, envisioning cats lined up at the Herberger, ticket in paw, waiting to see the new Pulitzer-winning drama, Anna in the Tropics.

I digress.The point is that guy was a “cat person.” I love cats and find wonderful enjoyment in http://www.stuffonmycat.com/. If you have a cat at your house, I will find it and love it and make it play with me whether it wants to or not. I love my cat, Daisy. However, I do not have pictures of her displayed on my desk at work, and I do not know when her birthday is (sometime in April . . . that’s as much as I can deduce). I used to give her wet food on Sundays (because it’s God’s day, and cats deserve a special treat on God’s day, I guess), but that schedule went awry when I had children.

Why is it taking me so long to get to my story?

Lately we’ve been seeing a lot of cats around our house. About a couple of months ago, I started to hear kitty-cat howling from about 7:30 PM until 10 or 11 PM. I’d go outside and look around, but I never saw a cat. Daisy would perk up and look around as well. Last week, the twins and I were playing in the family room and there was a tiger-striped, male, NON-neutered cat rubbing against our sliding glass door. I thought, ‘Oh, this is the kitty howler.’ A few days later, I saw a cat’s shadow through our kitchen window, opened the blinds, and there was a humungous orange and white long-haired cat walking along our fence. ‘Hmmm…maybe this is the kitty howler . . . .’ On Saturday my dad and I were leaving my house to grab some lunch, and when I opened the door to my garage, the tiger-striped cat was standing right there in front of my door. Later that evening, a completely DIFFERENT orange cat (short-haired and slightly smaller) was outside our sliding glass door. We both turned to Daisy who was enjoying a lovely bath after her dinner and said, “Daisy! What’s going on here?” She’s been spayed, so it’s not like she’s in heat and all of the male cats in the neighborhood are flocking to be with her. However . . . three cats within a couple of days? Come on!So I guess I wrote about how I’m not a cat person because I really wanted to write about the cat infestation without sounding like a crazy cat person. Then again, I believe I recently blogged about Daisy.

Shit.

I’m a cat person!

"Thunk!"

"Thunk!"

That's the sound I heard about 2 minutes ago. I wasn't really surprised because Michael and I converted the twins' cribs to toddler beds earlier this evening. Basically, you remove one side of the crib, and they have a mini daybed of sorts. Same crib mattress, it's just now they can get in and out of bed as they wish.

Of course, Dylan has had no trouble getting out of his crib, which is the main reason for today's conversion. Kyle is a little less agile, so we were mostly concerned about Kyle trying to mimic Dylan and then getting hurt.

When we first got the toddler beds arranged, they had a ball. Both climbed into Kyle's bed together and pretended to sleep (complete with Dylan's breathy, "hashu, hashu"--pretending to snore). Then, Kyle ran over to his bed and started jumping on it until he lost his balance and catapulted onto the floor. He didn't cry. He just looked completely shocked and a little embarrassed (Please note: I did tell my child on many occassions to stop jumping, but he did not listen to me. The best thing for him was probably the fall).

We left the excitement of the room and finished watching Toy Story from a couple of nights ago. They were really sleepy when we put them to bed, but I was still expecting to have them jump out of bed and come find us. They didn't. They went right to sleep, and all was quiet for over two hours.

The "thunk!" was the sound of Dylan rolling out of bed. I went up to their room, and he was sound asleep on the floor. I put him back into bed, covered him with his blankie, Kyle popped his head up to see what was going on, put his head back down, and all is quiet.

For now.

Boys who don't call

I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine who is waiting for a boy to call. Not just any boy, but a boy she likes (yes, I know I'm 27 and I should be saying "man," but with my girlfriends, until you marry the guy, he's still a boy). I don't understand why boys don't call. Let's say he has realized after four or so dates that he's not really interested. Would it kill him to let her know? Could he actually really like her but be afraid to come off as too desperate?

Michael put me through the ringer prior to one of our early dates. He called me sometime during the week, and we made plans to go to out that Saturday evening. He said he would call me on Saturday to firm things up. Three o'clock rolled around, and he still hadn't called. I had no idea if we were going bowling, rock climbing, ballroom dancing . . . if we were eating dinner together, if I was meeting him someplace, if he was picking me up . . . He finally did call that afternoon and picked me up a few hours later, but what a hellish day! Didn't he know I needed to change my outfit eight times and that my eye makeup would change depending on what my outfit was and that I needed to freshen my pedicure if I was wearing sandals? When I later gave him hell about the whole ordeal I discovered that he had been holding back all day from calling me because he didn't want to come across as too desperate. Which of his idiot friends taught him that one?

My friend and I started thinking it would be really great if people could just be really honest with each other:

"I don't think we should go out anymore . . . I saw this girl at the mall today with really big boobs, and I decided that's really what I want in a girlfriend."

"I like you all right, but I'm feeling kind of lazy lately, so I have no energy to put into a relationship right now."

"I really just want to fool around and not actually talk to you."

"I think you are beautiful and intelligent, but I recently realized that I'm gay. Perhaps I can introduce you to my straight brother." (wishful thinking)

"I really like you. In fact, I think I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you, and that freaks me out a little, so I need to take a step back and think. I'll probably call you in a month or two and realize I'm being foolish. Hopefully, you'll still be single and interested in me."

"I really like you, but my best friend who is single and has never had a serious, long-term relationship told me to stay distant . . . So I won't be calling you again until next week."

"I like you, but I'm afraid you won't like me. If you decide you don't like me, can you let me know and not just stop calling alltogether? Do you want to go get a cup of coffee?"