My Guide

Over the past few days I've been feeling this strange sort of pain in what I can only describe as being in my soul . At first I thought I was having anxiety about selling our house or our upcoming move (Which would be well justified)--maybe there was a little bit of that, but Michael and I talked through everything, and I felt better . . . kind of.

Then I started craving (This probably isn't the right word, but I truly cannot think of a more appropriate verb) strange things like specific songs (By bands I never listen to, of which I don't even own a single piece of music) and then certain smells . . . It's just been so odd.

Today I was playing with the twins and Kyle had this look on his face, and there he was--It was my brother Kevin. And then everything made perfect sense. I've been missing Kevin so much lately, and the knawing feeling I'd been having intensified at this realization. Let's be clear: I always miss my brother. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him in some random way or another, but it's really never a sad feeling. It's more like I'll see something funny that reminds me of him, or he'll just enter my thoughts and kind of hang out for a while. And it's never heavy or depressing or painful.

I think there are two main reasons why I've been struck with these pangs lately:

First, Dylan and Kyle are not really babies anymore. They're becoming little boys, and their features are changing. Everyone knows that Dylan is the spitting image of me (With Michael's chin and possibly his nose--let's hope!), and lately Kyle is a perfect blend of Michael and Kevin. Put some curl in Kyle's hair, and there you go! They're starting to act like little boys, too. When Dylan does something goofy or deviously destructive, I think of Kevin (Like the time he sawed off the wooden handles of two hammers to make nunchucks). Or when Kyle does something really sweet and cute like "oohing" and "ahhing" over new clothes or rubbing soft fabrics on his face, I think of Kevin (Was there ever a more tactile kid? He used to bury his face in clothes at department stores).

Second, as my children get older, they begin to understand the world around them and become more familiar with the people in it. I know that one day I'm going to have to talk to them about Kevin, and I just don't know how to do that. I know what I would say to them if they were much older and could understand more, but how do I begin to talk to them about this as toddlers or as preschoolers? I'm just putting it all off until one day they look at one of the many pictures my family has of him, and they'll ask me--I know they will--who he is.

And the calm wave that is rushing over me right now assures me that when that time comes, Kevin will be there to guide me.